1. CONFRONTERS VS. AVOIDERS IN MARITAL CONFLICT

Are you and your spouse both confronters or avoiders when you argue with each other? Or perhaps one of you is a confronter and the other is an avoider when it comes to conflict. It’s important to note: “There are as many ways to fight as there are personalities. Some simmer, and some explode. Some attack head-on, and others blind-side. But two opposing familiar styles are what some call the CONFRONTER and the AVOIDER, or the attacker and the retreater. Other’s label these approaches the expressive and the non-expressive.” (Jack and Carole Mayhall) Did you know that there are different approaches to dealing with conflict? Like many couples, conflict styles are very different and as a result, both partners must learn to work with each other’s style. It’s not always easy; but it’s important to find ways to “marry” our differing styles. This helps us to get along better. It’s not the only conflict resolution tool we use to come to agreeable terms when an issue is raised, but it’s an important one. Confronters VS Avoiders “Usually the non-expressive (avoider or retreater) person will want to walk away from conflict. However, the expressive (confronter or attacker) wants to talk about it, find out what’s wrong, and be friends again. Non-expressives do not want to talk about it, and believe that if they don’t, it will go away. They feel if they just let it alone, everyone will remain friends.” That of course makes sense to the non-expressive person. But it frustrates the expressive person to no end. And, unfortunately, both are sure they’re right in all of this. How do we deal with it? Although we are frustrated, we still need to find ways to compromise and don’t give up but instead, we try and try again. Concerning Confronters VS Avoiders: Whatever you name them, they’re easy to identify, and so are their techniques. The positive aspect of what we’ll call the CONFRONTER is that conflict issues are brought out into the open. They are talked about, and ideally, worked through to a conclusion. But confronters want to confront RIGHT NOW—anytime, and anywhere. And sometimes their timing is awful. The AVOIDER knows that at times silence is golden because issues can look monstrous when you’re tired, sick, or struggling with other pressing problems. Sometimes a little distance is all you need. It helps you to see that the “Creature from the Lost Lagoon” is really just a small ordinary toad. Both types, however, often use unfair techniques. Confronters: The CONFRONTER is frequently an expert at bringing up the past. One man said, “When we quarrel, my wife becomes historical.” “Don’t you mean hysterical?” his friend asked. “No, I mean historical. She brings up everything I ever did.” CONFRONTERS are also adept at hauling in secondary issues: “And not only won’t you help around the house, you forgot to pick me up from the hairdresser last week!” They tend to exaggerate and intimidate. They may scream, and even use an “ultimate” threat such as, “Maybe we ought to get a divorce,” or “You’d like me to commit suicide, wouldn’t you?” Some may also use humiliation to intimidate with exaggerated statements. These include statements such as “How can you be so stupid?” WITHDRAWERS have their own methods. Obviously, the approach is to duck the confrontation in any way possible. It’s about being too busy to talk and postponing the discussion. They mumble “Why don’t we talk about this another time?” Or they say, “Let’s not make a big deal out of this.” When forced, they’ll often sidestep the issue. They do this by (1) changing the subject. Sometimes they sidestep by (2) interrupting and thus not allowing the other to finish the statement. They also do this by (3) crying, or (4) surrendering before the discussion is over. Withdrawers may also refuse to talk about it. They may ignore it, sulk, pout, or give the cold shoulder for days on end. Both confronters and withdrawers use the tactic of sarcasm and ridicule. Both may be quick to jump to a conclusion. They try to read the other’s mind and grab the old standbys “always” and “never.” Or they use cold logic in refusing to deal with hot emotions. If both partners are withdrawers, a marriage’s growth and intimacy are in great danger. If both are confronters, beware! The ideal seems to be to have one confronter and one withdrawer with both being willing to learn from the personality of the other. But no matter what, it IS possible to marry your differing styles when there is conflict. It’s important to note: Timing is Important The confronter needs to learn timing, peacemaking, and tact. The avoider/withdrawer needs to learn honesty. Plus, they need the ability to share feelings, and discipline to face issues as they come up. Why? They both need to speak the truth in love. This is both an admonition to unloving confronters to speak in LOVE, and also a command to avoiders to SPEAK. As you face conflict in your marriage, REMEMBER: Remember to keep your cool. Someone has said that emotions have to be cooled until the fight takes the form of a problem to be solved. Remember to lower your voice instead of raising it. “A soft answer turns away wrath;but harsh words cause quarrels.” Remember to think before you speak. “Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin. “ Remember to be kind and humble. “Pride leads to arguments. Be humble, take advice and become wise.” Both withdrawers and confronters need maturity to avoid trying to “win” a battle. Confronters want to win by overpowering the other person while Avoiders try to win by silence. Not only must we be careful of our motive in a conflict, but we must avoid arguments that aren’t allowed to end. …To fight—that’s okay. To fight fairly—that’s growth. But to fight with kindness and love —that’s grace!